The beginning of my next journey

In a couple days I will go and sit down with a doctor and discuss my future weight-loss surgery.   I am feeling many emotions as I sit down and write the first of many blogs about what's to come.  Ever since the seminar almost two weeks ago I have felt absolutely elated that I am taking the plunge.  I have struggled to lose weight for a very, very, very long time.  For as long as I can remember my New Year's resolution was to lose weight, to get healthy.  Now, it feels like it's finally within my grasp.  I have so many things I want to do.  I just turned 36 and I have so many things flitting through my mind.  Becoming healthy, losing this excess weight will bring so many of those things into reality.

One of the things I have been working on for the past six months is myself and my state of mind.  I have been going to therapy pretty regularly and I am on an anti-depressant which has been very helpful.  I've started meditated in the mornings.  I write down a list of things for which I am grateful, and I have a list of positive affirmations that I look at throughout the day.  I have been working on loving myself no matter where I am at in my life for over 2-3 years and while it's been a struggle, I can look at pictures of myself without constantly feeling negative thoughts towards myself.  This woman and this body has been through so much throughout the last 36 years and I am damn proud of how far I have come. 

So, this brings me to the two issues that I am struggling with as of the last two days.  One, my mindset towards food and how I am going to deal with that before and after surgery.  Two, having that niggling doubt that for whatever reason I won't be able to get the surgery I now realize I so desperately need.  I need the help and I am finally asking for it and it's something that I'm struggling with; giving up control over something that honestly I have lost control over. 

I have been pretty positive about everything.  Putting positive vibes into the Universe and praying that God will go forth and prepare the way for me.  I have been talking as if it's going to happen and just that one doubt left is going to be the death of me.  I need to push that one little inkling of doubt out of my mind and continue being positive and elated and thinking about putting the thoughts of my future into reality. 

I really am so excited for what's to come. 

The last thing I want to share is one of the plethora of reasons I have decided to go forward with weight-loss surgery:

This summer we went to Horseshoe Bend in Colorado - it was a mile up this dirt path and down and then back again.  I, almost, didn't want to walk it because surely I was going to embarrass myself but then my daughter was like I don't want to do it either and so, embarrassment or not, we started hiking.  I made it to see this beautiful landmark.  Then there was the trek back up and I, honestly, thought I was going to die.  I could barely walk 5 steps without needing a break and my kids would look at me with such worry and when I would apologize profusely for having to stop every 5 steps out of breath and my heart beating out of my chest they would be quick to tell me not to worry about it, that it was fine, and that they were okay.

I am not just doing this for them.  I am doing it for me.  I have so many things I want to do and I feel like I am still young yet that I have the time to do them. 

So, in two days, I go and discuss the beginning of my next journey....